


waiting.

by blueboyhalo



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, No Dialogue, POV Zak Ahmed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29483463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueboyhalo/pseuds/blueboyhalo
Summary: Am I a coward?
Relationships: Zak Ahmed/Darryl Noveschosch
Comments: 2
Kudos: 58





	waiting.

**Author's Note:**

> if you're looking for something fluffy and happy, i suggest you turn back.

_Am I a coward?_

Skeppy turns over in bed.

The truth is, he's not quite sure.

Skeppy's thoughts like to wander off into places that they would never wander during the day, when Skeppy's out and about, doing who-knows-what for the day. There are nights where he can't manage even a single wink of sleep, so he watches the time tick by as he lies sleepless in bed. Those nights are the worst, where he can't just get up and work, but he also can't manage to rest either. He's just stuck in an endless limbo that never quite seems to end, no matter what he tries to do.

Instead, there he is, in bed, staring off into the distance at nothing, wondering how he's gotten here.

Lately, the gremlins inside him have gotten louder, more persistent, more urgent, and it's getting harder and harder to block them out and to stop listening to them. Maybe it's because he thinks that they're right this time. This time, they've actually hit the mark and Skeppy's just here, taking it in, because it's true, because he can't just brush off the truth, can he?

The truth, then?

He loves BadBoyHalo.

And slowly, ever so slowly, he's learning to love and be loved by Darryl Noveschosch.

Years ago, he remembers learning about him for the first time, and now he's friends, turned best friends, turned something beyond best friends. It doesn't feel quite real to him, the way it happened so quickly. It almost feels like he's in some sort of dream, like an out-of-body experience when he's with him. And somehow, that same man loves him back, with everything that he has, and it's crazy because when did that happen?

He remembers the way it felt when he had first seen the man in all his glory, at the airport, the way that Skeppy had practically leaped into Bad's arms immediately after making eye-contact. And he was called a muffinhead, but that was alright; that felt amazing, to actually hear that voice rather than it being transmitted through the internet, and it felt like home, like coming home for the first time.

 _I love you_ , Bad had whispered into his hair, and that was all Skeppy needed.

The feeling of Bad being there, Bad loving him, the way that love manifested into something more, the way that feeling wraps around Skeppy comfortably even through the winter snow. Skeppy doesn't even remember what it was like to live without knowing the warmth of Bad's presence and love; he doesn't even know what to make of the fact that they seem to fit together so perfectly, the way Bad's arms wrap around him so perfectly.

It's so perfect, so perfect when Bad shows him affection, that he wants it all to himself. And that's what he has - all of Bad to himself, really. Skeppy doesn't like sharing at all, and Bad is perfectly content not being shared.

And maybe along the way, they had just... forgotten about everything else.

The fans are perceptive, grabbing onto any sort of evidence and turning it into something more. They can be rabid, but Skeppy knows they mean well. They know they want him to be happy, and that they know that Bad can give him that and so much more. Whether they know exactly what that is, it doesn't matter. Their friendship is what they show, and that friendship makes Skeppy so unbelievably happy.

It's just that so much more that he's afraid of.

Bad was already not very vocal about his personal life. Zak didn't go out yelling everything about himself either, but he knows and respects that Bad is not as open as him. Darryl never breathes a word of his sexuality, from as far as he knows. And Zak? Well.

The thought of _coming out_ as a dude-liking-other-dudes?

The thought alone makes him shiver.

He's always done straight stuff. Talked about girls. Talked about being interested in girls. All sorts of stuff that straight people do when they're being, you know, _straight_. There's the occasional gay joke, but all straight people joke about being gay at some point with their friends. It's all fun and games, until, well. 

Fuck.

Okay, so being bisexual is totally a thing. Being gay is also totally a valid option. All Skeppy knows now is that he's definitely not straight, which is a deviation from everything he's ever known, and that's terrifying to him.

Where should he go from here? Hell, he doesn't even know much about the LGBT community from within. He just knows that he loves Bad. He does. _Girls? I mean, they're cute, but Bad. Bad, Bad, Bad._

Bad has him wrapped entirely around his finger.

And while that's quite sweet, he knows that some viewers, fans, and just people, in general, won't ever see it that way.

What a mess.

He had thought about coming out, but only once.

He had discussed it with Bad. After coming to terms with his own feelings and coming to terms with the fact that he wanted to stick it out long-term with his boyfriend, Bad suggested coming out and at the moment, Skeppy hadn't seen a reason to object at all.

It was all planned out. They were going to do a surprise apartment tour, revealing that Skeppy had done a move without telling anyone, then at the end, revealing that Bad was his roommate and also they were dating, and it was going to be so cute, and everything.

Bad had even recorded his own reveal with Skeppy ahead of time so Skeppy could do the rest of the tour on his own time.

And when the footage was all said and done, Skeppy had sat at the computer, editing, looking through the clips. Looking at the way that he had smiled at Bad and the way that Bad had smiled at him and the way that they both seemed to shine when their lips had met, and, and, and--

It had become too much.

The video ends without a glimpse of BadBoyHalo.

And Bad threw a fit when he had found out about the edited video that Skeppy had posted.

 _You love me, right?_ He had yelled. _You keep saying you're ready, you keep saying you're not scared, and I'm not scared either, not anymore, but you're here, stuck in the past, trying to live in it. What are you so afraid of?_

_I'm not afraid of anything, BadBoyHalo!_

_Then make up your mind. Do you want to come out or not?_

And Skeppy's protests get lodged in his throat because he can't lie, not to Bad.

And Bad just looks at him. Not disappointed, because Bad couldn't ever really be truly disappointed in him, but he's not quite stone-faced either. He looks like he's looking at him -- no, through him -- and trying to gauge what he sees there, and ---

_Do you want to be together?_

And that was the question that had horrified him the most.

Because of course, he does. He loves Bad with everything. He knows this. He knows this at the bottom of his heart, and if the world was a perfect place and everything was perfect, he'd scream it from the rooftops and let it be known to the world that Bad was his chosen soulmate.

But this world isn't perfect, and nothing is perfect.

Bad had gotten over it. He was ready to reveal more about himself that he wouldn't even have considered years ago. And Skeppy had backed down like the coward that he was because he wasn't prepared.

Being in love is one thing.

Being in love in view of the whole world is another.

_I guess I am a coward._

Will he ever be ready? He doesn't know. Bad, after that, had quieted down. After a couple of minutes, he had apologized at his outburst despite Skeppy's attempt to persuade him that it was definitely not out of line. Bad just reassured him, letting him know that his decision to come out is his own, and that should he choose to, Bad'll be ready to stand by him when it comes time to do so.

And he appreciates it, Bad's support, because Skeppy wouldn't know where to go without that.

So, it's all on him now. He's still not sure if he'll ever be ready.

Tomorrow? _Definitely not._ Next week? _Possibly_. Next month? _Definitely could be_. Next year? _Well. Who knows_.

Skeppy turns back towards Bad, smiling as his boyfriend subconsciously moves closer in his sleep, trying to envelop himself in his lover's body heat. He watches his slow breaths and closes his own eyes.

 _I love you_ , he whispers.

And it's true. He does. That's not the doubt in Skeppy's mind. Out of everything, that is the one thing that he hasn't questioned whatsoever. And he doesn't know if those _I love you_ 's will be enough, but he wants them to be, so he'll will them to be. At least for now, as the tides begin to settle.

Skeppy hopes that Bad's willing to wait for him.

Even more than that, Skeppy hopes that the wait will be worth it.

Skeppy pulls Bad closer.

... They'll figure it out together, eventually. It's a problem for the future. For now...

He'll just love BadBoyHalo.

That can be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> want to talk to me? twitter: @blueboyhalo


End file.
